HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
LOVE, THE GREENINGERS
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Are you there YOU ...its me ... the Moment
I have to write about this...If you are reading this blog and you feel it may be about you, it quite frankly may be.... it is one of those YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE BLOGS...
So we're sittin at lunch..3 of my best gal friends and myself... and first of all its hard for me to focus on just one thing...my mind is always listening , watching, thinking more than one thing at a time... but that's a whole different blog... and I'm panning the room and I notice.. I bet 60-75 percent of this WHOLE place was engrossed in their darn phone. I look over to my right and theres this darling little boy, thirsting for his parents attention probably 2 yrs old, standing on his chair, leg up on the table and Mom and Dad both, right next to him nose to the phones. It just made me sad. Today when I went to get dinner I made it a point to try and recognize how many drivers were on their phone when I passed them.. I am not lying when I say, I think 3 were not..ALL others had their phone to their ear. And thats just the drivers.
Are we all really that busy or that important that all the things happening right now, right in front of our face are not as important as a message or as important as the things going on in others lives ? Social networking is amazing.. I mean really , where would companies be, where would our economy be without it ? But I also wonder, where would our kids be without it and where would we be without it ? I look back in just the very near past and I can't help but think, gosh, I know where we would be... we would be where we are at the moment... All the way....not partially, not just one ear or one peek up then nose back in. We would wholeheartedly be in that moment. You know, I'm not saying I'm not thankful for this day and age and that my kids will grow up with this amazing networktastic world. I'm just saying, I am thankful for the day and age in which I grew up, and Wow how things change. I have decided you know, I don't want to miss Now... when my kids are around and still awake or families around or I'm with my friends... I am going to try and make it a point to live the moment I am surrounded by and enjoy the NOW... its the only Now we get and it is gone quicker than any web page can open...there is no refresh button.. It is just gone.
Happy Moments friends..
So we're sittin at lunch..3 of my best gal friends and myself... and first of all its hard for me to focus on just one thing...my mind is always listening , watching, thinking more than one thing at a time... but that's a whole different blog... and I'm panning the room and I notice.. I bet 60-75 percent of this WHOLE place was engrossed in their darn phone. I look over to my right and theres this darling little boy, thirsting for his parents attention probably 2 yrs old, standing on his chair, leg up on the table and Mom and Dad both, right next to him nose to the phones. It just made me sad. Today when I went to get dinner I made it a point to try and recognize how many drivers were on their phone when I passed them.. I am not lying when I say, I think 3 were not..ALL others had their phone to their ear. And thats just the drivers.
Are we all really that busy or that important that all the things happening right now, right in front of our face are not as important as a message or as important as the things going on in others lives ? Social networking is amazing.. I mean really , where would companies be, where would our economy be without it ? But I also wonder, where would our kids be without it and where would we be without it ? I look back in just the very near past and I can't help but think, gosh, I know where we would be... we would be where we are at the moment... All the way....not partially, not just one ear or one peek up then nose back in. We would wholeheartedly be in that moment. You know, I'm not saying I'm not thankful for this day and age and that my kids will grow up with this amazing networktastic world. I'm just saying, I am thankful for the day and age in which I grew up, and Wow how things change. I have decided you know, I don't want to miss Now... when my kids are around and still awake or families around or I'm with my friends... I am going to try and make it a point to live the moment I am surrounded by and enjoy the NOW... its the only Now we get and it is gone quicker than any web page can open...there is no refresh button.. It is just gone.
Happy Moments friends..
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I can't wait one more 2nd..............
615am and there he was, standing next to my bed...staring at me as I slept........ then finally........
" Mommy, ......what time is Daddy getting up for work ?".... ..Not for a little while babe, jump in here.....what's up ? ... "Uggghh, I can't sleep,..... can we get up ?"-... "
Yep this little man we JUST brought into this world like yesterday was starting his first day of 2nd grade and he was super pumped !!.. He jumped out of our bed..threw on his carefully picked out clothes and darted down the steps... can we go out yet...pllleeeease ?? I had to remind him, he got up SUPER early and we can't go stand at the stop an hour and 1/2 early. He talked to me about the order of the bus line this year... that the littlest ones that are just starting should get to take the front spots to get on, and that last in line is the new first. We had breakfast, watched a couple shows ...then finally we went out to enjoy the early morning... he jumped on his bike and as soon as I said.. "Be careful buddy"........... BAM-... on the pavement and there it came, ..the delayed scream............... our neighbor came running, I was in slow mo running to get to him... God please no broken bones... its the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL........... slow to get up, the crying didn't stop.. but all was ok... besides his pride as all the kids at the other stop witnessed "The accident" .......and about 5 layers of skin were missing from the right knee. All was still ok...
The bus came and they all posed for pics as they herded themselves onto the big yellow bus... barely tall enough to peer out the window at all of us as we waved at them wildly as if they were all being shipped off for days... Soo cute these little times....
I wonder as he goes and as the bus gets smaller in my view, ... How are we doing so far ??... When someone says "Good Morning Chase" ...will he say Good Morning back with a good tone and smile ? If he sees a kid that's sad or lost, ..will he lend them a hand or show them the way .........and will he never EVER be a bully and be there for those that may be bullied ? I realize about myself today that I don't often wonder what he will grow up to do with his life... I wonder what he will grow into and who he will be. Of course what he does is very important and it is NOW that is shaping him into the little man he is to become... It is days like today that we send them off on their own that are sooo important... those choices they make ..all on their own...
I hope he always shows his heart... uses his head... and broadens his mind..
Keep it up Chaser... don't be in such a hurry though... we definitely can wait..... at least a few more seconds..
xo
" Mommy, ......what time is Daddy getting up for work ?".... ..Not for a little while babe, jump in here.....what's up ? ... "Uggghh, I can't sleep,..... can we get up ?"-... "
Yep this little man we JUST brought into this world like yesterday was starting his first day of 2nd grade and he was super pumped !!.. He jumped out of our bed..threw on his carefully picked out clothes and darted down the steps... can we go out yet...pllleeeease ?? I had to remind him, he got up SUPER early and we can't go stand at the stop an hour and 1/2 early. He talked to me about the order of the bus line this year... that the littlest ones that are just starting should get to take the front spots to get on, and that last in line is the new first. We had breakfast, watched a couple shows ...then finally we went out to enjoy the early morning... he jumped on his bike and as soon as I said.. "Be careful buddy"........... BAM-... on the pavement and there it came, ..the delayed scream............... our neighbor came running, I was in slow mo running to get to him... God please no broken bones... its the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL........... slow to get up, the crying didn't stop.. but all was ok... besides his pride as all the kids at the other stop witnessed "The accident" .......and about 5 layers of skin were missing from the right knee. All was still ok...
The bus came and they all posed for pics as they herded themselves onto the big yellow bus... barely tall enough to peer out the window at all of us as we waved at them wildly as if they were all being shipped off for days... Soo cute these little times....
I wonder as he goes and as the bus gets smaller in my view, ... How are we doing so far ??... When someone says "Good Morning Chase" ...will he say Good Morning back with a good tone and smile ? If he sees a kid that's sad or lost, ..will he lend them a hand or show them the way .........and will he never EVER be a bully and be there for those that may be bullied ? I realize about myself today that I don't often wonder what he will grow up to do with his life... I wonder what he will grow into and who he will be. Of course what he does is very important and it is NOW that is shaping him into the little man he is to become... It is days like today that we send them off on their own that are sooo important... those choices they make ..all on their own...
I hope he always shows his heart... uses his head... and broadens his mind..
Keep it up Chaser... don't be in such a hurry though... we definitely can wait..... at least a few more seconds..
xo
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Hanging on.....and letting go...
We all have it ... its that one thing (if we're lucky its just one).... the thing we've known for so long that we just need to do, like a pit in our stomach- something we need to recognize, to tackle and take care of.... Going to visit someone you know you should of gone to see weeks, even months ago, making a phone call because facebook and texting have been your outs but you know they aren't cutting it... having a conversation with that one person you need to talk too and tell them how you really feel.. It could be visiting a grave and really letting go of the things you never got to say before they were gone ... or it could just be saying goodbye to something or someone that no longer adds quality.
These are all things we let hover over our heads everyday... we hang on to these "mind blocks" because they are important to us and we don't want to forget about them and what we need to do.....But no matter how much time goes by, that "thing" never goes away... It just builds...and gets bigger..... and it will continue to grow while stunting your own growth..........
Until you just do what needs to be done...
Say what needs to be said...
Feel what needs to be felt
..................and when you're done you have to let it go.
Hang on to the things that are a constant in your life and are positive... rely on those things that make you happy and make you feel good about YOU......... you deserve that peace.
Life is Simple, it's just not easy.................
These are all things we let hover over our heads everyday... we hang on to these "mind blocks" because they are important to us and we don't want to forget about them and what we need to do.....But no matter how much time goes by, that "thing" never goes away... It just builds...and gets bigger..... and it will continue to grow while stunting your own growth..........
Until you just do what needs to be done...
Say what needs to be said...
Feel what needs to be felt
..................and when you're done you have to let it go.
Hang on to the things that are a constant in your life and are positive... rely on those things that make you happy and make you feel good about YOU......... you deserve that peace.
Life is Simple, it's just not easy.................
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Reflecting....
3 years ago I held you... It's like it was just last night but it feels like its been a lifetime. I remember everything...your smell... you always smelled amazing... the clothes I had on, the clothes you had on.. , the look on that nurses face from across the table as they tried to save you... and the look on Daddys face as he rushed through that door moments after your heart stopped beating and finally, I remember the very moment I watched your little soul leave your body, I watched your face change a bit as it did....as if it hovered just for a moment to make sure we were going to be ok......... and then it went.......
I remember wondering... how will our life ever go on... how will we survive ?
I often wonder if certain things hadn't happened how would life be for us ? I still feel like I'm lucky- we are lucky for the life experiences we have had so far... soo many good- and some a bit harder to see the good... but they've made us this family...this unit. I think we are stronger than ever. Dave and I both thank each other often..and we both think the other does more than ourself... he once said to me... See babe- that's why we're always going to stay strong and happy, ..We are grateful... for each other... He is right...
Days like today are a reflection... not necessarily a bad day, or an even more sad day than others... but a day to really consider things and reflect. Am I on a good path....is my family thriving... is there something I could be doing that maybe I'm not... or should I be more passionate about something I've been meaning to be ? I think this is proof that our life lessons are working and still teaching us... a reminder that if you walk in the garden and your roses aren't growing as big as you'd like or as vibrant........... it is time to pick the weeds. Get rid of the things and really be done with anything that is keeping your life from flourishing. These are the things that are important... real life stuff....
I miss that little boy more than any feeling in this world... I cannot compare any other instance or put into words how it feels everyday to wake up knowing I have a child in heaven and not here.... But I can see him working in our lives, our families lives and all of our true friends lives and it makes me feel like he is still here...and still mine.
I love our reflection, he is part of it....and I love our life....
I remember wondering... how will our life ever go on... how will we survive ?
I often wonder if certain things hadn't happened how would life be for us ? I still feel like I'm lucky- we are lucky for the life experiences we have had so far... soo many good- and some a bit harder to see the good... but they've made us this family...this unit. I think we are stronger than ever. Dave and I both thank each other often..and we both think the other does more than ourself... he once said to me... See babe- that's why we're always going to stay strong and happy, ..We are grateful... for each other... He is right...
Days like today are a reflection... not necessarily a bad day, or an even more sad day than others... but a day to really consider things and reflect. Am I on a good path....is my family thriving... is there something I could be doing that maybe I'm not... or should I be more passionate about something I've been meaning to be ? I think this is proof that our life lessons are working and still teaching us... a reminder that if you walk in the garden and your roses aren't growing as big as you'd like or as vibrant........... it is time to pick the weeds. Get rid of the things and really be done with anything that is keeping your life from flourishing. These are the things that are important... real life stuff....
I miss that little boy more than any feeling in this world... I cannot compare any other instance or put into words how it feels everyday to wake up knowing I have a child in heaven and not here.... But I can see him working in our lives, our families lives and all of our true friends lives and it makes me feel like he is still here...and still mine.
I love our reflection, he is part of it....and I love our life....
We are very lucky
XO
XO
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Football, First Downs and falling in love all over again....
You never really know....it could happen to you.
I never believed that when someone told me I would find love... But I did..and I am reminded of it every single day.
I am reminded of it on Saturdays when we are at Chases football games, I am amazed how a skill can make a child carry himself differently. How feeling needed on a team can change his whole demeanor and make him just want to do well... gosh I remember that feeling when I was in sports.. what a rush. But this.....watching him...this is my new passion. I LOVE watching him...watching all of them. Those little guys are out there running, diving and scoring....all while looking back to make sure Mom and Dad saw em and holding their heads high when they KNOW, they just did that ..LOL What an awesome awesome feeling. THIS is what I've been waiting for since becoming a Mommy.
And First Downs... this year was finally the year. We did it- We formed a team for the Step up Walk here in Kansas City at Arrowhead stadium. Benefiting First Downs for Down syndrome... we set our goal and we surpassed it !!! AMAZING ... that day was ALL we had hoped for. On Sat 9/25 exactly 1 month and 1 day from Blakeys 3rd birthday we walked and we were surrounded by Angels all morning long. Everywhere we looked were the littlest kiddos... a little girl on Daddys shoulder and the sweetest little guy just learning how to walk. I felt we were being held in the palm of someones hand that day...and I know we were surrounded by our Angel. Many Many smiles, a few tears and amazing friends..... the whole day just felt like a big hug. We can't wait until next year for our 2nd annual sMILES for Blakey walk ... All for you Toots.. we miss you terribly. Thank you so so much friends and family for all your support, near and far..
And falling in love all over again.... On May 11th, our newest little Boo came into the world.. and lemme tell ya... Yes ...we are all in love, and his name is Jack David Greeninger. Be still my heart.....oh my gosh this baby ... I'm not sure if its because he started sleeping through the night at 4 weeks old, or if it's just purely because we know how precious these moments are. I'm not gonna lie, this has been a fairytale nightmare...just holding and kissing and knowing... We had this, Please God... don't let anything happen to him, God to any of them... But we are so happy, we are so in love and its just such an awesome feeling to be a family of 4 again...
But we know, there are always 5 shadows.. ( wink....)
Truth is... none of us know what's in "the plan"... it could happen to you.. We can only live everyday and live it well. Do good to each other, respect, love & cherish each other. Tell people when you love them...hug them..reach out to them....even if you really don't want too you NEED too...for YOU. Really choose happy- it IS a choice..and where there's happy..there is peace ...and where there's peace....There is the good life.
Live it.....
Love to you friends.............
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
My June 15th, 2008- A Mothers perspective
Fussing
Sleepless
Uncomfortable
Straining
Rushing
Admitting
Tired
Rocking
Kissing
Hungry
Thirsty
Hurting
Pain
Poking
Worrying
Dialing
Beeping
Rushing
Begging
Saving
Trying
Stopping
Silence
Crying
Holding
Rocking
Hugging
Kissing
Comforting
Assuring
Dreaming
Missing
Longing
Waiting........waiting..........waiting.......
Sleepless
Uncomfortable
Straining
Rushing
Admitting
Tired
Rocking
Kissing
Hungry
Thirsty
Hurting
Pain
Poking
Worrying
Dialing
Beeping
Rushing
Begging
Saving
Trying
Stopping
Silence
Crying
Holding
Rocking
Hugging
Kissing
Comforting
Assuring
Dreaming
Missing
Longing
Waiting........waiting..........waiting.......
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Dreaming of Angels....
I feel like I lost my voice for a bit. I'm not really sure if I did, or if it was my minds way of giving me a break . I just haven't expressed my thoughts thru writing in quite a while. So many good things have happened in the past 5 months. Chase graduated pre-school and started Kindergarten, he finished his 2nd season of Tball, and the 3 of us had probably the most amazing summer we've ever had, boating and traveling in and out of town with friends and just spending the days and nights outside with our neighborhood family.
We also have some very big news, in August we found out we're expecting Baby G # 3 and are thrilled..........terrified........overjoyed. That second word really just describes me, because Dave would never be terrified. I don't even think he's nervous.. I think he worries for me and for our family but nervous, terrified... never words for Dave. He is a pillar of strength in this house and spreads his positive vibes through this world as we all should. I am currently 11 weeks along and feel amazing... never a moment of sickie, just a little sleepier than usual... but feel very healthy and ready for this new adventure.
I've prayed for 5 more minutes with Blakey ever since the night he left this earth..and I just have to share. Last week, Dave gets up and leaves at 630am and I am up and out of bed by 650am...we always kiss each other and say goodbye before he goes and then I roll over for another 20 minutes... Well that day, I must of fell asleep..and I had the most vivid dream. I was with Blakey and he was healthy and so very alive and I was dressing him in a white cotton long sleeve onesie...and it was so big on him and we were cracking up and I was rolling the sleeves up over his sweet wrists... and snapping it all the way up his tiny little body... and then I wrapped him up in my arms and he was laying long ways along my body with his little head in the crease of my left arm ... we were kissing and laughing and I could hear his little giggle that I miss so much and his sweet little dimple in his right cheek... and then all of a sudden... I fell to the ground with him in my arms and just squeezed him so tightly and told him how I've been praying for this since the night we had to let him go... and I started screaming that I don't want to let go this time... it was like I knew in my dream that I was about to wake up... and I didn't want too... and I told him how much we miss him and how thankful we are to him for the strength he emulates through to us... it was amazing.. and then I woke up... I knew that I had just had this awesome moment people pray for.. and it all happened within 20 minutes. I could never express in words how it really felt... but it was empowering and real. And I am so grateful for that to be the vision I have very fresh in my mind of Blakey...and now, I think that will be the way I feel I last saw him. Happy, giggling, and a promise of hope for many good things to come for our family... and knowing he is just one precious moment away and may come to any of us as we peacefully drift away to sleep......
This life is a blessing... and we are living it....
Love you friends and just always remember..... cherish the days, the moments...
Kel..
Friday, May 29, 2009
In your Room
Sometimes I go in there, well actually I go in there often, and if I’m not going to go in there, I look in there everytime I pass by your room.
In your room a few minutes ago was a flashback to the night we were putting up your border, it was July of 07, you were still wrapped up safely in my belly and I remember being in awe of your Daddy, as usual. He had just finished the border and I remember looking at this tiny 3 inch gap between your closet doors that he perfectly cut a piece of border that matched up end to end with the continuing sides… he knew it would drive me crazy if it didn't flow. I just remember the feelings we had that night…so excited for your arrival 8 short weeks away. Everything had to be just so, clothes washed and put in the drawers perfectly, tiny little dress clothes hung by size in the closet, hats that would be way too big, and tiny rolls of socks waiting to be snug on your feet.
In your room a few minutes ago was a flashback to the night we were putting up your border, it was July of 07, you were still wrapped up safely in my belly and I remember being in awe of your Daddy, as usual. He had just finished the border and I remember looking at this tiny 3 inch gap between your closet doors that he perfectly cut a piece of border that matched up end to end with the continuing sides… he knew it would drive me crazy if it didn't flow. I just remember the feelings we had that night…so excited for your arrival 8 short weeks away. Everything had to be just so, clothes washed and put in the drawers perfectly, tiny little dress clothes hung by size in the closet, hats that would be way too big, and tiny rolls of socks waiting to be snug on your feet.
I feel very close to you Blakey , In your room.
I remember thinking everything is just perfect we are ready.
I walked in and out of that room, adjusting and daydreaming everyday anticipating your arrival and imagining you there under the perfect little mobile.
In your room there’s still so much of you there. The positive pregnancy test, the ultrasound pictures, the tiny bracelets from the day you were born and the day you died, tiny handprints and footprints frozen in time, a perfect lock of your hair, the outfit you had on that night, the blanket we wrapped you up in that night, your album, your tiny hand and foot castings and the monitor we used every night to hear you if you whimpered, I saw Dad turn it on and just listen not too long ago... he didn't know I saw him.
I realize I still imagine you there and if I try really hard, I can still hear you and see your face light up when I come around the corner and you see me…
In your room there’s still so much of you there. The positive pregnancy test, the ultrasound pictures, the tiny bracelets from the day you were born and the day you died, tiny handprints and footprints frozen in time, a perfect lock of your hair, the outfit you had on that night, the blanket we wrapped you up in that night, your album, your tiny hand and foot castings and the monitor we used every night to hear you if you whimpered, I saw Dad turn it on and just listen not too long ago... he didn't know I saw him.
I realize I still imagine you there and if I try really hard, I can still hear you and see your face light up when I come around the corner and you see me…
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Just 5 minutes please...
I just wish I could rewind everything and go back to this exact week last year...even if just for a glimpse-..I would take it...5 minutes- I would make more of it..
5 minutes is a dream, so much can happen in that time. I'm not sure how I would spend it though...would I want to just watch them play and laugh together, would we all spend it just cuddling or singing... I think I would just want to see Chase smiling at him and him smiling at Chase and them both cooing and giggling. I would take as many pictures as I could and then I think I would want us all to just cuddle up together and fall asleep the last minute all at once...
5 minutes is a dream, so much can happen in that time. I'm not sure how I would spend it though...would I want to just watch them play and laugh together, would we all spend it just cuddling or singing... I think I would just want to see Chase smiling at him and him smiling at Chase and them both cooing and giggling. I would take as many pictures as I could and then I think I would want us all to just cuddle up together and fall asleep the last minute all at once...
I just wish I could rewind back to Mothers day week 08 just for 5 minutes please......
I know I would make more of it ...
It was the best Mothers day of my life ........how lucky I was to have that day.....
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Colorful signs
I work from home and have for almost 4 years now, ...and sometimes my mode of communication throughout the day is through Instant Messenger. Its very helpful for a quick check in with my boss or to shoot someone a quick message if I'm on the phone and they're trying to call me. So this past Monday I wanted to ask my boss a question- so I shot her a message and said "Yellow"... which in my terms meant ...Hello. My grandma used to answer the phone like that sometimes in her sweet Grandma voice-... "Yellow,...well Hi honey, how are You"...LOL. It doesn't come through that way when using IM though-...because to my Yellow-...my boss replied- "Do you always randomly just blurt out colors"... to which I explained my Yellow, meant Hello............... She then replied-... Kelly, its crazy, because me and 2 of your co-workers were just sitting here trying to decide what color the shirts should be for Blakeys walk in April and you just blurted out Yellow... so Yellow it is !!...
I think that's pretty amazing... and yet another sweet sign of subtle guardianship from this sweet little Angel in our lives... so of course it made me do some digging a little-
I wanted to look up Blakey and Chases Birthstone- Blakeys birthday is Aug 24th and Chases bday is Aug 29th...........
Their birthstone is Peridot- which ranges in color but most usually is Yellowish Green-... it is believed that the forces of nature are alive in the Peridot and it is believed to represent vitality. It signifies strength both individual and within a relationship, as well as promise of new growth in the years ahead.
Colorful little signs... I like to think so...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Leaping for Faith...but landing in the same spot...
This was a big weekend for me.
Two of my closest and most spiritual friends from St Louis made the trek to KC and attended the Women of Faith Conference with me at the Sprint Center. It was a 2 day event, 2 very long wonderful days...packed with stories and music... full of tears and laughter and being amongst 6000 everyday women made me feel wonderful, and it also made me feel as though no matter how alone in a situation you may feel...you're not alone-... there is someone that is on that exact same path...struggling with the feelings you may be feeling, and missing someone just as you may be missing someone. Some struggles that others are going through..would make me feel lucky to have the one that I have and that we have to go through.
But I really expected to get a lot from this weekend...I think I was expecting to walk out of there being this brand new person, with this new found perspective. And I feel that I took a lot away with me.... but the point is... I don't have this new profound feeling of peace... Peace is what I went looking for... and I didn't walk away with that. I walked out of there missing him just as much as I missed him when I walked in there... feeling just as cheated as I felt when I walked in there, and I walked out of there still thinking here is a "better place"... and I walked out of there down on myself a little that I didn't find what I was looking for. Don't get me wrong...it was still a wonderful wonderful weekend- and very insightful.. and I am so happy that I went-...I loved every minute of it.
My friend had said to me- "Kelly, all of the things in your life, ..Do you honestly believe you have done it all on your own ...do you really think the things in your life have not been partly the works of God"... that question has really stuck in my head...because I do have to say- normally my answer would be whole heartedly- YES- I feel I have done the things in my life, myself...through struggles of MY own... and to that- She said " Kelly- you are giving yourself too much credit"... My answer has since changed a bit- and I do now realize that things absolutely do happen for a reason. There was a reason that this sweet little life was given to us... a reason that we were given a glimpse at how life would change when given something so unexpected and fearful , yet something we would and have begged to have back after taken away... therefore, Yes- I do believe in a higher power... and Yes, I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life. I think I am just struggling with the Peace that should come with all of that-...and the short of it all is that- I am no more peaceful now, than I was before I went...and for that, I feel a bit like a failure.
Am I unreachable ? Will I be given up on ?
Everyday is a struggle... and I just really miss him.... but its not just him that I miss... I miss Chase being a big brother, and I miss him having someone to dote on at night and in the morning- I miss the baby sounds and smells, and I miss his sweet giggles and smiles...I think I have up a wall that I'm not ready to have torn down yet... but I don't think its made of the strongest stone...its just really really strong right now, and too strong for anything to plow through at the moment...... but I am certain that someday, something will help it to wither a bit and weaken...and on the other side will be that peace waiting to be discovered...and accepted. But for now- it stands firm....
I am working on this-... this thing called Faith... and I pray that someday, I will be a Woman of true true faith.
Two of my closest and most spiritual friends from St Louis made the trek to KC and attended the Women of Faith Conference with me at the Sprint Center. It was a 2 day event, 2 very long wonderful days...packed with stories and music... full of tears and laughter and being amongst 6000 everyday women made me feel wonderful, and it also made me feel as though no matter how alone in a situation you may feel...you're not alone-... there is someone that is on that exact same path...struggling with the feelings you may be feeling, and missing someone just as you may be missing someone. Some struggles that others are going through..would make me feel lucky to have the one that I have and that we have to go through.
But I really expected to get a lot from this weekend...I think I was expecting to walk out of there being this brand new person, with this new found perspective. And I feel that I took a lot away with me.... but the point is... I don't have this new profound feeling of peace... Peace is what I went looking for... and I didn't walk away with that. I walked out of there missing him just as much as I missed him when I walked in there... feeling just as cheated as I felt when I walked in there, and I walked out of there still thinking here is a "better place"... and I walked out of there down on myself a little that I didn't find what I was looking for. Don't get me wrong...it was still a wonderful wonderful weekend- and very insightful.. and I am so happy that I went-...I loved every minute of it.
My friend had said to me- "Kelly, all of the things in your life, ..Do you honestly believe you have done it all on your own ...do you really think the things in your life have not been partly the works of God"... that question has really stuck in my head...because I do have to say- normally my answer would be whole heartedly- YES- I feel I have done the things in my life, myself...through struggles of MY own... and to that- She said " Kelly- you are giving yourself too much credit"... My answer has since changed a bit- and I do now realize that things absolutely do happen for a reason. There was a reason that this sweet little life was given to us... a reason that we were given a glimpse at how life would change when given something so unexpected and fearful , yet something we would and have begged to have back after taken away... therefore, Yes- I do believe in a higher power... and Yes, I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life. I think I am just struggling with the Peace that should come with all of that-...and the short of it all is that- I am no more peaceful now, than I was before I went...and for that, I feel a bit like a failure.
Am I unreachable ? Will I be given up on ?
Everyday is a struggle... and I just really miss him.... but its not just him that I miss... I miss Chase being a big brother, and I miss him having someone to dote on at night and in the morning- I miss the baby sounds and smells, and I miss his sweet giggles and smiles...I think I have up a wall that I'm not ready to have torn down yet... but I don't think its made of the strongest stone...its just really really strong right now, and too strong for anything to plow through at the moment...... but I am certain that someday, something will help it to wither a bit and weaken...and on the other side will be that peace waiting to be discovered...and accepted. But for now- it stands firm....
I am working on this-... this thing called Faith... and I pray that someday, I will be a Woman of true true faith.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
This day is special....
For today is the day of my beautiful husbands birth. 31 years ago today he was given to this world and what a gift he is . Never in my dreams would I have imagined that I would end up in the arms of a man like Dave... he is such a wonderful Daddy, our best friend and the true example to me of simplicity and direction. I am so grateful for him, my rock, my balance beam... you make me wanna be a better person babe... I love you so much and I thank you for when I finally really fell... you were there to catch me, in your arms... forever ... and day after day, you keep catching me... thank you babe, and Happy Birthday Sweets...Today its been a year... I remember that morning, ...and I remember that feeling...the way the tears stung my cheeks as they rolled down, knowing that I couldn't fix this myself and I had to hand you over to the Surgeons. I couldn't go with you, even just to be there to hold your hand. I had to give you to them so they could fix your belly. I remember what I had on, and the other people we met waiting to hear news of their loved ones... I can still see the room. I remember the feelings of fear everytime the phone rang in that room, and remember that fear changing to relief as I heard them finally tell us- your surgery was done and your belly was fixed. Everything went perfect. We finally got to see you sweet boy..and your cheekies were pink and healthy as you were off in a comfy, pain free baby dreamland. Your belly was working... and your pain was over. We couldn't wait to ease your brothers fears when we picked him up from school to tell him everything was going to be ok now. Blakey would finally be out of pain and coming home soon.....
I wish I could go back to that day and hold your hand again.. touch your cheek, kiss your forehead, and tell you again... how strong you are and how proud we are of you ........even if just for a minute....
I am forever grateful for the miracles that this day has brought to my life... near....and far...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wow Toots..
Wow .... I miss you.
Right now is rough… and I’m not sure why some moments are tougher than others, but they just are. Last night Daddy was cleaning out his truck and he felt under his seat, and out he pulled one of your onesies… I remember that onesie and I remember why we changed it… and when I saw it, it was like I was back in that moment, we were at Chases Tball game and I was feeding you carrots and you loved em so much that they got all over you… I went to Dads truck and we got you all nice and cleaned up …it must have fallen on the floor and somehow ended up under his seat…I think it was meant to be found now. Its things like that that are happening, I was doing laundry the other day and felt something drop on the floor, and I looked down and it was a tiny pair of your little socks, one of my favorite pairs because they stayed on your feet so snug …I just must have missed them before, I’m not that behind on laundry…but I think you are sending me little messages that you’re still here and that you always will be. Every single night it seems like I lay in bed as your daddy falls asleep quickly and I just lay there and I think about those last hours we had together and how we spent them… we spent them totally and utterly in love …you were so cozed up on my shoulder and I would run my hand over your head, your beautiful reddish little comb over… and looking back I feel like that’s how we spent most all of your time here…you were always cozed up on someones shoulder buddy… Please stay there Toots… please guide me with the questions I have in my head, I know you know the answers… please bring those answers to me somehow…
I love you buddy and I miss you so so much…please keep leaving things for me to find…
Love forever, … Mommy
Right now is rough… and I’m not sure why some moments are tougher than others, but they just are. Last night Daddy was cleaning out his truck and he felt under his seat, and out he pulled one of your onesies… I remember that onesie and I remember why we changed it… and when I saw it, it was like I was back in that moment, we were at Chases Tball game and I was feeding you carrots and you loved em so much that they got all over you… I went to Dads truck and we got you all nice and cleaned up …it must have fallen on the floor and somehow ended up under his seat…I think it was meant to be found now. Its things like that that are happening, I was doing laundry the other day and felt something drop on the floor, and I looked down and it was a tiny pair of your little socks, one of my favorite pairs because they stayed on your feet so snug …I just must have missed them before, I’m not that behind on laundry…but I think you are sending me little messages that you’re still here and that you always will be. Every single night it seems like I lay in bed as your daddy falls asleep quickly and I just lay there and I think about those last hours we had together and how we spent them… we spent them totally and utterly in love …you were so cozed up on my shoulder and I would run my hand over your head, your beautiful reddish little comb over… and looking back I feel like that’s how we spent most all of your time here…you were always cozed up on someones shoulder buddy… Please stay there Toots… please guide me with the questions I have in my head, I know you know the answers… please bring those answers to me somehow…
I love you buddy and I miss you so so much…please keep leaving things for me to find…
Love forever, … Mommy
Monday, December 15, 2008
Measures of time...
Measures of time
6 Months
26 Weeks
182 days
4380 hours 262,800 minutes
15,768,000 seconds ……since we last held you, kissed you, smelled you, comforted you ….
But forever, a time immeasurable, we will miss you, but you will hold us, and comfort us and continue to bring us joy.
Remembering you Toots, today and forever… Love you Blakey,
Mommy
6 Months
26 Weeks
182 days
4380 hours 262,800 minutes
15,768,000 seconds ……since we last held you, kissed you, smelled you, comforted you ….
But forever, a time immeasurable, we will miss you, but you will hold us, and comfort us and continue to bring us joy.
Remembering you Toots, today and forever… Love you Blakey,
Mommy
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Our Family tree-
This holiday's different for Chase, Daddy and Me
There's somebody missing from our family tree
The smile you beamed made every room sing
Just happy to be here only needing one thing
To love and be loved so simple so sure
You were wonderfully made, just perfect you were
You taught a young boy to be gentle yet strong
And you taught me and daddy our fears were all wrong
We learned just so much from the time you were here
Love in the moment and hold those you love near
Love and acceptance that's all that it takes
To ensure in the end a good life that it makes
Always at home we're surrounded by you
the things that you did and were going to do
We thank you for teaching us the value of days
And that all little children are unique in their ways
Sometimes when we need it the Angels surround
And help us along when we're feeling down
This Christmas is different but that doesn't mean bad
We know it's ok if at times we feel sad
We thank you for presence you've left on this place
But we ask for your guidance through hardships we face
This year someone's missing from our family tree
But just look on top, for an Angel you'll see…
We miss you Blakey, every minute buddy……..
Merry Christmas Toots
There's somebody missing from our family tree
The smile you beamed made every room sing
Just happy to be here only needing one thing
To love and be loved so simple so sure
You were wonderfully made, just perfect you were
You taught a young boy to be gentle yet strong
And you taught me and daddy our fears were all wrong
We learned just so much from the time you were here
Love in the moment and hold those you love near
Love and acceptance that's all that it takes
To ensure in the end a good life that it makes
Always at home we're surrounded by you
the things that you did and were going to do
We thank you for teaching us the value of days
And that all little children are unique in their ways
Sometimes when we need it the Angels surround
And help us along when we're feeling down
This Christmas is different but that doesn't mean bad
We know it's ok if at times we feel sad
We thank you for presence you've left on this place
But we ask for your guidance through hardships we face
This year someone's missing from our family tree
But just look on top, for an Angel you'll see…
We miss you Blakey, every minute buddy……..
Merry Christmas Toots
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
3 months
3 months...
Tonight @ 11:15pm will be 3 months since we held you in our arms for the final time ... we held you and kissed you for 3 hours and we talked to you and assured you that you can rest now, we will be ok... for you had done the job that you most definitely came here to do . You worked so hard in your 9 months and 22 days buddy, we're so proud of you . The way you touched our souls, your brothers soul, your families souls and anyone who was blessed to see your smiling face. You helped us all to face our lives with a new attitude. You've made my life so whole buddy, even though you are not here to hold and to smell and to hear, you are still working... we know how lucky we are to have you on our shoulders every minute... guiding us through challenging issues we may face, watching over us and helping us to lead your brother down the right path in his life... we were blessed to hold you, Our Angel, for the time that we were given. 3 months ago Buddy was the last time we held you in our arms, But for a lifetime we will hold you in our hearts, and our memories and we will live our lives hoping that we make you proud and looking forward to the day when we can see you and hold you again...
We miss you sweet Blakey, thank you for what you've given us. We live this life for you and because of you, little Toots...
On our minds every second, every day...
We love you and miss you so much sweet Angel Face,
Love,
Mommy
Tonight @ 11:15pm will be 3 months since we held you in our arms for the final time ... we held you and kissed you for 3 hours and we talked to you and assured you that you can rest now, we will be ok... for you had done the job that you most definitely came here to do . You worked so hard in your 9 months and 22 days buddy, we're so proud of you . The way you touched our souls, your brothers soul, your families souls and anyone who was blessed to see your smiling face. You helped us all to face our lives with a new attitude. You've made my life so whole buddy, even though you are not here to hold and to smell and to hear, you are still working... we know how lucky we are to have you on our shoulders every minute... guiding us through challenging issues we may face, watching over us and helping us to lead your brother down the right path in his life... we were blessed to hold you, Our Angel, for the time that we were given. 3 months ago Buddy was the last time we held you in our arms, But for a lifetime we will hold you in our hearts, and our memories and we will live our lives hoping that we make you proud and looking forward to the day when we can see you and hold you again...
We miss you sweet Blakey, thank you for what you've given us. We live this life for you and because of you, little Toots...
On our minds every second, every day...
We love you and miss you so much sweet Angel Face,
Love,
Mommy
Monday, August 11, 2008
Finding Peace
Yesterday was our meeting at Childrens Mercy with the Surgeons and Doctors to find out what happened to Blake on Sunday 6/15, which subsequently was the day his life ended. We went into the room at CMH and I plopped pictures of Blake in the center of the table so they could see his face as we were talking. They were all very sad, hugged us and proceeded to explain the findings. First off... everything about Blake was progressing as that of a healthy 10 month old baby. His Heart, his brain, all of his organs, his muscles.. everything....perfectly healthy and thriving. But when you have surgery on your bowels you have to be careful for up to 10 years after surgery and watch for signs of infection. As soon as he showed signs, we took him to Childrens. An infection is caused by bacteria, and in order to decipher what type of bacteria is causing the infection, a culture is taken and they have to "grow" the bacteria in a lab to identify it. This can take one to two days in a lab. The doctors were shocked to find that the type of bacteria Blake had was basically unheard of... there are only 4 documented cases in medical journals of this type of bacteria , which all led to death. This bacteria is very deadly..we all harbor it in our bowels, but when it decides to play for the other team, it will attack your organs, very rapidly and cause organ failure, which in the end it entered his blood stream, attacked his heart and he died. Unfortunately they could not tell us the type of bacteria he had that morning, because of the length of time it takes to grow...had they known it was of this type, the only thing that may have been different would have been them being able to tell us he would most likely die. The same course of action to treat him would have been taken to fight it..., Antibiotics, IV fluids and pain medication. They do not deny that all factors played a part in how quickly he died...how dehydrated he was even with IV fluids, medication for pain and sometimes even antibiotics can fuel a bacterial infection, the infection was way too strong and he was just too weak to fight......There is only one way though to treat infection, and that is with all of the above treatments. In the other cases the babies lived sometimes up to 6 weeks fighting this off, but in the end, the results were the same, multiorgan failure and death. The doctors said they had a huge meeting and talked about this very rare bacteria, and the fact that CMH itself has never seen a case like this... they are all as shocked and heartbroken as us. We know they loved him and really tried very hard to save him. Dave and I are at peace knowing he did not suffer and later when Chase is old enough, we will explain it to him. At 1045p when his systems started to fail they worked for 30 minutes trying to save little Toots and we are at peace knowing that during the 27th minute of trying to revive his little body that they did not..he would have likely been on life support, maybe for the rest of his life and we believe he had enough challenges to face, Blake deserved the best possible Quality of life... we don't believe quality is defined by quantity. The doctors told us what they learned from him and how he affected them... they loved him, and we know he was in the best possible care at CMH. Anyone that knows me, knows I am a question asker and I asked many questions...the doctors also said to please know this is not it for them, if we want to meet 10 more times and ask questions we can. Today we are choosing to heal over question... and we hope this brings you all a little peace as well. He definitely made medical history being only the 4th documented case and we are certain they will learn from him, as we all have as well. We know he did not suffer, and we know every minute of his 9 months and 22 days were happy, and the biggest blessing of our life.
We hope you can feel some peace just knowing you are sleeping among an Angel every night... we are finding a little more peace each day, and you are all a great contributor to that.
We love you all and please know you can ask me anything if you have questions...
Love and so so many Thanks to you all-
Kelly, Dave and Chase Greeninger
We hope you can feel some peace just knowing you are sleeping among an Angel every night... we are finding a little more peace each day, and you are all a great contributor to that.
We love you all and please know you can ask me anything if you have questions...
Love and so so many Thanks to you all-
Kelly, Dave and Chase Greeninger
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Shoulders and Shoes
Smiley face baby, we miss you.
We missed you today and yesterday and we will miss you tomorrow. During these next months Blakey, we will need help so we know, there will be many shoulders we will need to borrow …..mostly Daddy's shoulders for me…and probably mine for him…
Shoulders are great, huh Toots… how many nights did you fall asleep with your cheek pressed tightly up against Daddy's, or mine…that was your favorite spot, when we would finally tuck you into your bed after dozing off there would be a big ole drool spot on our shirt from your sweet little mouth because you were so comfy and off in dream land. I loved having you tucked into my shoulder and patting your little bottom until I would hear you soundly sleeping.
Right now our shoulders are heavy, they're not that comfy spot they used to be, they are carrying a load that we never imagined we were strong enough to carry… we haven't been working out, so we're not real sure where we've mustered up the strength to keep carrying this load- but we think that comes from you, … YOU … the protector of all shoulders, YOU the giver of strength and YOU the keeper of all things comfy.
Our feet hurt from carrying this load on our shoulders but its just because of these shoes we've been given… they are new shoes and new shoes usually hurt, eventually we know these shoes will become worn because this will be a longer walk than usual, they will become more broken in and more bearable and eventually we will have other shoes that we will begin to wear. But for now we wear these shoes …we will not ask anyone else to wear them to break them in even though we know others would and others have. We will take this long walk, carry this heavy load because we absolutely know, at the end of this very long path, …..we are certain… you will be there waiting for us and our shoulders and our feet will hurt no more.
We miss you every minute Blakey-
Foerever love,
Mommy, Daddy and Chase
We missed you today and yesterday and we will miss you tomorrow. During these next months Blakey, we will need help so we know, there will be many shoulders we will need to borrow …..mostly Daddy's shoulders for me…and probably mine for him…
Shoulders are great, huh Toots… how many nights did you fall asleep with your cheek pressed tightly up against Daddy's, or mine…that was your favorite spot, when we would finally tuck you into your bed after dozing off there would be a big ole drool spot on our shirt from your sweet little mouth because you were so comfy and off in dream land. I loved having you tucked into my shoulder and patting your little bottom until I would hear you soundly sleeping.
Right now our shoulders are heavy, they're not that comfy spot they used to be, they are carrying a load that we never imagined we were strong enough to carry… we haven't been working out, so we're not real sure where we've mustered up the strength to keep carrying this load- but we think that comes from you, … YOU … the protector of all shoulders, YOU the giver of strength and YOU the keeper of all things comfy.
Our feet hurt from carrying this load on our shoulders but its just because of these shoes we've been given… they are new shoes and new shoes usually hurt, eventually we know these shoes will become worn because this will be a longer walk than usual, they will become more broken in and more bearable and eventually we will have other shoes that we will begin to wear. But for now we wear these shoes …we will not ask anyone else to wear them to break them in even though we know others would and others have. We will take this long walk, carry this heavy load because we absolutely know, at the end of this very long path, …..we are certain… you will be there waiting for us and our shoulders and our feet will hurt no more.
We miss you every minute Blakey-
Foerever love,
Mommy, Daddy and Chase
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