This was a big weekend for me.
Two of my closest and most spiritual friends from St Louis made the trek to KC and attended the Women of Faith Conference with me at the Sprint Center. It was a 2 day event, 2 very long wonderful days...packed with stories and music... full of tears and laughter and being amongst 6000 everyday women made me feel wonderful, and it also made me feel as though no matter how alone in a situation you may feel...you're not alone-... there is someone that is on that exact same path...struggling with the feelings you may be feeling, and missing someone just as you may be missing someone. Some struggles that others are going through..would make me feel lucky to have the one that I have and that we have to go through.
But I really expected to get a lot from this weekend...I think I was expecting to walk out of there being this brand new person, with this new found perspective. And I feel that I took a lot away with me.... but the point is... I don't have this new profound feeling of peace... Peace is what I went looking for... and I didn't walk away with that. I walked out of there missing him just as much as I missed him when I walked in there... feeling just as cheated as I felt when I walked in there, and I walked out of there still thinking here is a "better place"... and I walked out of there down on myself a little that I didn't find what I was looking for. Don't get me wrong...it was still a wonderful wonderful weekend- and very insightful.. and I am so happy that I went-...I loved every minute of it.
My friend had said to me- "Kelly, all of the things in your life, ..Do you honestly believe you have done it all on your own ...do you really think the things in your life have not been partly the works of God"... that question has really stuck in my head...because I do have to say- normally my answer would be whole heartedly- YES- I feel I have done the things in my life, myself...through struggles of MY own... and to that- She said " Kelly- you are giving yourself too much credit"... My answer has since changed a bit- and I do now realize that things absolutely do happen for a reason. There was a reason that this sweet little life was given to us... a reason that we were given a glimpse at how life would change when given something so unexpected and fearful , yet something we would and have begged to have back after taken away... therefore, Yes- I do believe in a higher power... and Yes, I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life. I think I am just struggling with the Peace that should come with all of that-...and the short of it all is that- I am no more peaceful now, than I was before I went...and for that, I feel a bit like a failure.
Am I unreachable ? Will I be given up on ?
Everyday is a struggle... and I just really miss him.... but its not just him that I miss... I miss Chase being a big brother, and I miss him having someone to dote on at night and in the morning- I miss the baby sounds and smells, and I miss his sweet giggles and smiles...I think I have up a wall that I'm not ready to have torn down yet... but I don't think its made of the strongest stone...its just really really strong right now, and too strong for anything to plow through at the moment...... but I am certain that someday, something will help it to wither a bit and weaken...and on the other side will be that peace waiting to be discovered...and accepted. But for now- it stands firm....
I am working on this-... this thing called Faith... and I pray that someday, I will be a Woman of true true faith.
Kel: give yourself some time. For reals. You are doing awesome. I am so proud of you. You're not a failure. Faith is like shoes: it fits everyone differently. Don't fight to try to fit into faith. xoxoxo
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