I can't wait one more 2nd..............

615am and there he was, standing next to my bed...staring at me as I slept........ then finally........

" Mommy, ......what time is Daddy getting up for work ?".... ..Not for a little while babe, jump in here.....what's up ? ... "Uggghh, I can't sleep,..... can we get up ?"-... "

Yep this little man we JUST brought into this world like yesterday was starting his first day of 2nd grade and he was super pumped !!.. He jumped out of our bed..threw on his carefully picked out clothes and darted down the steps... can we go out yet...pllleeeease ?? I had to remind him, he got up SUPER early and we can't go stand at the stop an hour and 1/2 early. He talked to me about the order of the bus line this year... that the littlest ones that are just starting should get to take the front spots to get on, and that last in line is the new first. We had breakfast, watched a couple shows ...then finally we went out to enjoy the early morning... he jumped on his bike and as soon as I said.. "Be careful buddy"........... BAM-... on the pavement and there it came, ..the delayed scream............... our neighbor came running, I was in slow mo running to get to him... God please no broken bones... its the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL........... slow to get up, the crying didn't stop.. but all was ok... besides his pride as all the kids at the other stop witnessed "The accident" .......and about 5 layers of skin were missing from the right knee. All was still ok...

The bus came and they all posed for pics as they herded themselves onto the big yellow bus... barely tall enough to peer out the window at all of us as we waved at them wildly as if they were all being shipped off for days... Soo cute these little times....

I wonder as he goes and as the bus gets smaller in my view, ... How are we doing so far ??... When someone says "Good Morning Chase" ...will he say Good Morning back with a good tone and smile ? If he sees a kid that's sad or lost, ..will he lend them a hand or show them the way .........and will he never EVER be a bully and be there for those that may be bullied ? I realize about myself today that I don't often wonder what he will grow up to do with his life... I wonder what he will grow into and who he will be. Of course what he does is very important and it is NOW that is shaping him into the little man he is to become... It is days like today that we send them off on their own that are sooo important... those choices they make ..all on their own...

I hope he always shows his heart... uses his head... and broadens his mind..

Keep it up Chaser... don't be in such a hurry though... we definitely can wait..... at least a few more seconds..
xo

Hanging on.....and letting go...

We all have it ... its that one thing (if we're lucky its just one).... the thing we've known for so long that we just need to do, like a pit in our stomach- something we need to recognize, to tackle and take care of.... Going to visit someone you know you should of gone to see weeks, even months ago, making a phone call because facebook and texting have been your outs but you know they aren't cutting it... having a conversation with that one person you need to talk too and tell them how you really feel.. It could be visiting a grave and really letting go of the things you never got to say before they were gone ... or it could just be saying goodbye to something or someone that no longer adds quality.

These are all things we let hover over our heads everyday... we hang on to these "mind blocks" because they are important to us and we don't want to forget about them and what we need to do.....But no matter how much time goes by, that "thing" never goes away... It just builds...and gets bigger..... and it will continue to grow while stunting your own growth..........
Until you just do what needs to be done...
Say what needs to be said...
Feel what needs to be felt
..................and when you're done you have to let it go.

Hang on to the things that are a constant in your life and are positive... rely on those things that make you happy and make you feel good about YOU......... you deserve that peace.

Life is Simple, it's just not easy.................

Reflecting....

3 years ago I held you... It's like it was just last night but it feels like its been a lifetime. I remember everything...your smell... you always smelled amazing... the clothes I had on, the clothes you had on.. , the look on that nurses face from across the table as they tried to save you... and the look on Daddys face as he rushed through that door moments after your heart stopped beating and finally, I remember the very moment I watched your little soul leave your body, I watched your face change a bit as it did....as if it hovered just for a moment to make sure we were going to be ok......... and then it went.......

I remember wondering... how will our life ever go on... how will we survive ?

I often wonder if certain things hadn't happened how would life be for us ? I still feel like I'm lucky- we are lucky for the life experiences we have had so far... soo many good- and some a bit harder to see the good... but they've made us this family...this unit. I think we are stronger than ever. Dave and I both thank each other often..and we both think the other does more than ourself... he once said to me... See babe- that's why we're always going to stay strong and happy, ..We are grateful... for each other... He is right...

Days like today are a reflection... not necessarily a bad day, or an even more sad day than others... but a day to really consider things and reflect. Am I on a good path....is my family thriving... is there something I could be doing that maybe I'm not... or should I be more passionate about something I've been meaning to be ? I think this is proof that our life lessons are working and still teaching us... a reminder that if you walk in the garden and your roses aren't growing as big as you'd like or as vibrant........... it is time to pick the weeds. Get rid of the things and really be done with anything that is keeping your life from flourishing. These are the things that are important... real life stuff....

I miss that little boy more than any feeling in this world... I cannot compare any other instance or put into words how it feels everyday to wake up knowing I have a child in heaven and not here.... But I can see him working in our lives, our families lives and all of our true friends lives and it makes me feel like he is still here...and still mine.

I love our reflection, he is part of it....and I love our life....

We are very lucky
XO

Football, First Downs and falling in love all over again....

You never really know....it could happen to you.

I never believed that when someone told me I would find love... But I did..and I am reminded of it every single day.


I am reminded of it on Saturdays when we are at Chases football games, I am amazed how a skill can make a child carry himself differently. How feeling needed on a team can change his whole demeanor and make him just want to do well... gosh I remember that feeling when I was in sports.. what a rush. But this.....watching him...this is my new passion. I LOVE watching him...watching all of them. Those little guys are out there running, diving and scoring....all while looking back to make sure Mom and Dad saw em and holding their heads high when they KNOW, they just did that ..LOL What an awesome awesome feeling. THIS is what I've been waiting for since becoming a Mommy.


And First Downs... this year was finally the year. We did it- We formed a team for the Step up Walk here in Kansas City at Arrowhead stadium. Benefiting First Downs for Down syndrome... we set our goal and we surpassed it !!! AMAZING ... that day was ALL we had hoped for. On Sat 9/25 exactly 1 month and 1 day from Blakeys 3rd birthday we walked and we were surrounded by Angels all morning long. Everywhere we looked were the littlest kiddos... a little girl on Daddys shoulder and the sweetest little guy just learning how to walk. I felt we were being held in the palm of someones hand that day...and I know we were surrounded by our Angel. Many Many smiles, a few tears and amazing friends..... the whole day just felt like a big hug. We can't wait until next year for our 2nd annual sMILES for Blakey walk ... All for you Toots.. we miss you terribly. Thank you so so much friends and family for all your support, near and far..


And falling in love all over again.... On May 11th, our newest little Boo came into the world.. and lemme tell ya... Yes ...we are all in love, and his name is Jack David Greeninger. Be still my heart.....oh my gosh this baby ... I'm not sure if its because he started sleeping through the night at 4 weeks old, or if it's just purely because we know how precious these moments are. I'm not gonna lie, this has been a fairytale nightmare...just holding and kissing and knowing... We had this, Please God... don't let anything happen to him, God to any of them... But we are so happy, we are so in love and its just such an awesome feeling to be a family of 4 again...
But we know, there are always 5 shadows.. ( wink....)


Truth is... none of us know what's in "the plan"... it could happen to you.. We can only live everyday and live it well. Do good to each other, respect, love & cherish each other. Tell people when you love them...hug them..reach out to them....even if you really don't want too you NEED too...for YOU. Really choose happy- it IS a choice..and where there's happy..there is peace ...and where there's peace....There is the good life.


Live it.....


Love to you friends.............

My June 15th, 2008- A Mothers perspective

Fussing
Sleepless
Uncomfortable
Straining
Rushing
Admitting
Tired
Rocking
Kissing
Hungry
Thirsty
Hurting
Pain
Poking
Worrying
Dialing
Beeping
Rushing
Begging
Saving
Trying
Stopping
Silence
Crying
Holding
Rocking
Hugging
Kissing
Comforting
Assuring
Dreaming
Missing
Longing

Waiting........waiting..........waiting.......

Dreaming of Angels....

I feel like I lost my voice for a bit. I'm not really sure if I did, or if it was my minds way of giving me a break . I just haven't expressed my thoughts thru writing in quite a while. So many good things have happened in the past 5 months. Chase graduated pre-school and started Kindergarten, he finished his 2nd season of Tball, and the 3 of us had probably the most amazing summer we've ever had, boating and traveling in and out of town with friends and just spending the days and nights outside with our neighborhood family.

We also have some very big news, in August we found out we're expecting Baby G # 3 and are thrilled..........terrified........overjoyed. That second word really just describes me, because Dave would never be terrified. I don't even think he's nervous.. I think he worries for me and for our family but nervous, terrified... never words for Dave. He is a pillar of strength in this house and spreads his positive vibes through this world as we all should. I am currently 11 weeks along and feel amazing... never a moment of sickie, just a little sleepier than usual... but feel very healthy and ready for this new adventure.

I've prayed for 5 more minutes with Blakey ever since the night he left this earth..and I just have to share. Last week, Dave gets up and leaves at 630am and I am up and out of bed by 650am...we always kiss each other and say goodbye before he goes and then I roll over for another 20 minutes... Well that day, I must of fell asleep..and I had the most vivid dream. I was with Blakey and he was healthy and so very alive and I was dressing him in a white cotton long sleeve onesie...and it was so big on him and we were cracking up and I was rolling the sleeves up over his sweet wrists... and snapping it all the way up his tiny little body... and then I wrapped him up in my arms and he was laying long ways along my body with his little head in the crease of my left arm ... we were kissing and laughing and I could hear his little giggle that I miss so much and his sweet little dimple in his right cheek... and then all of a sudden... I fell to the ground with him in my arms and just squeezed him so tightly and told him how I've been praying for this since the night we had to let him go... and I started screaming that I don't want to let go this time... it was like I knew in my dream that I was about to wake up... and I didn't want too... and I told him how much we miss him and how thankful we are to him for the strength he emulates through to us... it was amazing.. and then I woke up... I knew that I had just had this awesome moment people pray for.. and it all happened within 20 minutes. I could never express in words how it really felt... but it was empowering and real. And I am so grateful for that to be the vision I have very fresh in my mind of Blakey...and now, I think that will be the way I feel I last saw him. Happy, giggling, and a promise of hope for many good things to come for our family... and knowing he is just one precious moment away and may come to any of us as we peacefully drift away to sleep......

This life is a blessing... and we are living it....

Love you friends and just always remember..... cherish the days, the moments...

Kel..

In your Room

Sometimes I go in there, well actually I go in there often, and if I’m not going to go in there, I look in there everytime I pass by your room.

In your room a few minutes ago was a flashback to the night we were putting up your border, it was July of 07, you were still wrapped up safely in my belly and I remember being in awe of your Daddy, as usual. He had just finished the border and I remember looking at this tiny 3 inch gap between your closet doors that he perfectly cut a piece of border that matched up end to end with the continuing sides… he knew it would drive me crazy if it didn't flow. I just remember the feelings we had that night…so excited for your arrival 8 short weeks away. Everything had to be just so, clothes washed and put in the drawers perfectly, tiny little dress clothes hung by size in the closet, hats that would be way too big, and tiny rolls of socks waiting to be snug on your feet.

I feel very close to you Blakey , In your room.

I remember thinking everything is just perfect we are ready.

I walked in and out of that room, adjusting and daydreaming everyday anticipating your arrival and imagining you there under the perfect little mobile.

In your room there’s still so much of you there. The positive pregnancy test, the ultrasound pictures, the tiny bracelets from the day you were born and the day you died, tiny handprints and footprints frozen in time, a perfect lock of your hair, the outfit you had on that night, the blanket we wrapped you up in that night, your album, your tiny hand and foot castings and the monitor we used every night to hear you if you whimpered, I saw Dad turn it on and just listen not too long ago... he didn't know I saw him.

I realize I still imagine you there and if I try really hard, I can still hear you and see your face light up when I come around the corner and you see me…