Dreaming of Angels....

I feel like I lost my voice for a bit. I'm not really sure if I did, or if it was my minds way of giving me a break . I just haven't expressed my thoughts thru writing in quite a while. So many good things have happened in the past 5 months. Chase graduated pre-school and started Kindergarten, he finished his 2nd season of Tball, and the 3 of us had probably the most amazing summer we've ever had, boating and traveling in and out of town with friends and just spending the days and nights outside with our neighborhood family.

We also have some very big news, in August we found out we're expecting Baby G # 3 and are thrilled..........terrified........overjoyed. That second word really just describes me, because Dave would never be terrified. I don't even think he's nervous.. I think he worries for me and for our family but nervous, terrified... never words for Dave. He is a pillar of strength in this house and spreads his positive vibes through this world as we all should. I am currently 11 weeks along and feel amazing... never a moment of sickie, just a little sleepier than usual... but feel very healthy and ready for this new adventure.

I've prayed for 5 more minutes with Blakey ever since the night he left this earth..and I just have to share. Last week, Dave gets up and leaves at 630am and I am up and out of bed by 650am...we always kiss each other and say goodbye before he goes and then I roll over for another 20 minutes... Well that day, I must of fell asleep..and I had the most vivid dream. I was with Blakey and he was healthy and so very alive and I was dressing him in a white cotton long sleeve onesie...and it was so big on him and we were cracking up and I was rolling the sleeves up over his sweet wrists... and snapping it all the way up his tiny little body... and then I wrapped him up in my arms and he was laying long ways along my body with his little head in the crease of my left arm ... we were kissing and laughing and I could hear his little giggle that I miss so much and his sweet little dimple in his right cheek... and then all of a sudden... I fell to the ground with him in my arms and just squeezed him so tightly and told him how I've been praying for this since the night we had to let him go... and I started screaming that I don't want to let go this time... it was like I knew in my dream that I was about to wake up... and I didn't want too... and I told him how much we miss him and how thankful we are to him for the strength he emulates through to us... it was amazing.. and then I woke up... I knew that I had just had this awesome moment people pray for.. and it all happened within 20 minutes. I could never express in words how it really felt... but it was empowering and real. And I am so grateful for that to be the vision I have very fresh in my mind of Blakey...and now, I think that will be the way I feel I last saw him. Happy, giggling, and a promise of hope for many good things to come for our family... and knowing he is just one precious moment away and may come to any of us as we peacefully drift away to sleep......

This life is a blessing... and we are living it....

Love you friends and just always remember..... cherish the days, the moments...

Kel..

In your Room

Sometimes I go in there, well actually I go in there often, and if I’m not going to go in there, I look in there everytime I pass by your room.

In your room a few minutes ago was a flashback to the night we were putting up your border, it was July of 07, you were still wrapped up safely in my belly and I remember being in awe of your Daddy, as usual. He had just finished the border and I remember looking at this tiny 3 inch gap between your closet doors that he perfectly cut a piece of border that matched up end to end with the continuing sides… he knew it would drive me crazy if it didn't flow. I just remember the feelings we had that night…so excited for your arrival 8 short weeks away. Everything had to be just so, clothes washed and put in the drawers perfectly, tiny little dress clothes hung by size in the closet, hats that would be way too big, and tiny rolls of socks waiting to be snug on your feet.

I feel very close to you Blakey , In your room.

I remember thinking everything is just perfect we are ready.

I walked in and out of that room, adjusting and daydreaming everyday anticipating your arrival and imagining you there under the perfect little mobile.

In your room there’s still so much of you there. The positive pregnancy test, the ultrasound pictures, the tiny bracelets from the day you were born and the day you died, tiny handprints and footprints frozen in time, a perfect lock of your hair, the outfit you had on that night, the blanket we wrapped you up in that night, your album, your tiny hand and foot castings and the monitor we used every night to hear you if you whimpered, I saw Dad turn it on and just listen not too long ago... he didn't know I saw him.

I realize I still imagine you there and if I try really hard, I can still hear you and see your face light up when I come around the corner and you see me…

Just 5 minutes please...

I just wish I could rewind everything and go back to this exact week last year...even if just for a glimpse-..I would take it...5 minutes- I would make more of it..
5 minutes is a dream, so much can happen in that time. I'm not sure how I would spend it though...would I want to just watch them play and laugh together, would we all spend it just cuddling or singing... I think I would just want to see Chase smiling at him and him smiling at Chase and them both cooing and giggling. I would take as many pictures as I could and then I think I would want us all to just cuddle up together and fall asleep the last minute all at once...

I just wish I could rewind back to Mothers day week 08 just for 5 minutes please......

I know I would make more of it ...

It was the best Mothers day of my life ........how lucky I was to have that day.....

Colorful signs

I work from home and have for almost 4 years now, ...and sometimes my mode of communication throughout the day is through Instant Messenger. Its very helpful for a quick check in with my boss or to shoot someone a quick message if I'm on the phone and they're trying to call me. So this past Monday I wanted to ask my boss a question- so I shot her a message and said "Yellow"... which in my terms meant ...Hello. My grandma used to answer the phone like that sometimes in her sweet Grandma voice-... "Yellow,...well Hi honey, how are You"...LOL. It doesn't come through that way when using IM though-...because to my Yellow-...my boss replied- "Do you always randomly just blurt out colors"... to which I explained my Yellow, meant Hello............... She then replied-... Kelly, its crazy, because me and 2 of your co-workers were just sitting here trying to decide what color the shirts should be for Blakeys walk in April and you just blurted out Yellow... so Yellow it is !!...

I think that's pretty amazing... and yet another sweet sign of subtle guardianship from this sweet little Angel in our lives... so of course it made me do some digging a little-

I wanted to look up Blakey and Chases Birthstone- Blakeys birthday is Aug 24th and Chases bday is Aug 29th...........

Their birthstone is Peridot- which ranges in color but most usually is Yellowish Green-... it is believed that the forces of nature are alive in the Peridot and it is believed to represent vitality. It signifies strength both individual and within a relationship, as well as promise of new growth in the years ahead.

Colorful little signs... I like to think so...

Leaping for Faith...but landing in the same spot...

This was a big weekend for me.

Two of my closest and most spiritual friends from St Louis made the trek to KC and attended the Women of Faith Conference with me at the Sprint Center. It was a 2 day event, 2 very long wonderful days...packed with stories and music... full of tears and laughter and being amongst 6000 everyday women made me feel wonderful, and it also made me feel as though no matter how alone in a situation you may feel...you're not alone-... there is someone that is on that exact same path...struggling with the feelings you may be feeling, and missing someone just as you may be missing someone. Some struggles that others are going through..would make me feel lucky to have the one that I have and that we have to go through.

But I really expected to get a lot from this weekend...I think I was expecting to walk out of there being this brand new person, with this new found perspective. And I feel that I took a lot away with me.... but the point is... I don't have this new profound feeling of peace... Peace is what I went looking for... and I didn't walk away with that. I walked out of there missing him just as much as I missed him when I walked in there... feeling just as cheated as I felt when I walked in there, and I walked out of there still thinking here is a "better place"... and I walked out of there down on myself a little that I didn't find what I was looking for. Don't get me wrong...it was still a wonderful wonderful weekend- and very insightful.. and I am so happy that I went-...I loved every minute of it.
My friend had said to me- "Kelly, all of the things in your life, ..Do you honestly believe you have done it all on your own ...do you really think the things in your life have not been partly the works of God"... that question has really stuck in my head...because I do have to say- normally my answer would be whole heartedly- YES- I feel I have done the things in my life, myself...through struggles of MY own... and to that- She said " Kelly- you are giving yourself too much credit"... My answer has since changed a bit- and I do now realize that things absolutely do happen for a reason. There was a reason that this sweet little life was given to us... a reason that we were given a glimpse at how life would change when given something so unexpected and fearful , yet something we would and have begged to have back after taken away... therefore, Yes- I do believe in a higher power... and Yes, I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life. I think I am just struggling with the Peace that should come with all of that-...and the short of it all is that- I am no more peaceful now, than I was before I went...and for that, I feel a bit like a failure.
Am I unreachable ? Will I be given up on ?

Everyday is a struggle... and I just really miss him.... but its not just him that I miss... I miss Chase being a big brother, and I miss him having someone to dote on at night and in the morning- I miss the baby sounds and smells, and I miss his sweet giggles and smiles...I think I have up a wall that I'm not ready to have torn down yet... but I don't think its made of the strongest stone...its just really really strong right now, and too strong for anything to plow through at the moment...... but I am certain that someday, something will help it to wither a bit and weaken...and on the other side will be that peace waiting to be discovered...and accepted. But for now- it stands firm....
I am working on this-... this thing called Faith... and I pray that someday, I will be a Woman of true true faith.

This day is special....

For today is the day of my beautiful husbands birth. 31 years ago today he was given to this world and what a gift he is . Never in my dreams would I have imagined that I would end up in the arms of a man like Dave... he is such a wonderful Daddy, our best friend and the true example to me of simplicity and direction. I am so grateful for him, my rock, my balance beam... you make me wanna be a better person babe... I love you so much and I thank you for when I finally really fell... you were there to catch me, in your arms... forever ... and day after day, you keep catching me... thank you babe, and Happy Birthday Sweets...
Today its been a year... I remember that morning, ...and I remember that feeling...the way the tears stung my cheeks as they rolled down, knowing that I couldn't fix this myself and I had to hand you over to the Surgeons. I couldn't go with you, even just to be there to hold your hand. I had to give you to them so they could fix your belly. I remember what I had on, and the other people we met waiting to hear news of their loved ones... I can still see the room. I remember the feelings of fear everytime the phone rang in that room, and remember that fear changing to relief as I heard them finally tell us- your surgery was done and your belly was fixed. Everything went perfect. We finally got to see you sweet boy..and your cheekies were pink and healthy as you were off in a comfy, pain free baby dreamland. Your belly was working... and your pain was over. We couldn't wait to ease your brothers fears when we picked him up from school to tell him everything was going to be ok now. Blakey would finally be out of pain and coming home soon.....


I wish I could go back to that day and hold your hand again.. touch your cheek, kiss your forehead, and tell you again... how strong you are and how proud we are of you ........even if just for a minute....


I am forever grateful for the miracles that this day has brought to my life... near....and far...

Special times....

Wow Toots..

Wow .... I miss you.
Right now is rough… and I’m not sure why some moments are tougher than others, but they just are. Last night Daddy was cleaning out his truck and he felt under his seat, and out he pulled one of your onesies… I remember that onesie and I remember why we changed it… and when I saw it, it was like I was back in that moment, we were at Chases Tball game and I was feeding you carrots and you loved em so much that they got all over you… I went to Dads truck and we got you all nice and cleaned up …it must have fallen on the floor and somehow ended up under his seat…I think it was meant to be found now. Its things like that that are happening, I was doing laundry the other day and felt something drop on the floor, and I looked down and it was a tiny pair of your little socks, one of my favorite pairs because they stayed on your feet so snug …I just must have missed them before, I’m not that behind on laundry…but I think you are sending me little messages that you’re still here and that you always will be. Every single night it seems like I lay in bed as your daddy falls asleep quickly and I just lay there and I think about those last hours we had together and how we spent them… we spent them totally and utterly in love …you were so cozed up on my shoulder and I would run my hand over your head, your beautiful reddish little comb over… and looking back I feel like that’s how we spent most all of your time here…you were always cozed up on someones shoulder buddy… Please stay there Toots… please guide me with the questions I have in my head, I know you know the answers… please bring those answers to me somehow…
I love you buddy and I miss you so so much…please keep leaving things for me to find…

Love forever, … Mommy