Colorful signs

I work from home and have for almost 4 years now, ...and sometimes my mode of communication throughout the day is through Instant Messenger. Its very helpful for a quick check in with my boss or to shoot someone a quick message if I'm on the phone and they're trying to call me. So this past Monday I wanted to ask my boss a question- so I shot her a message and said "Yellow"... which in my terms meant ...Hello. My grandma used to answer the phone like that sometimes in her sweet Grandma voice-... "Yellow,...well Hi honey, how are You"...LOL. It doesn't come through that way when using IM though-...because to my Yellow-...my boss replied- "Do you always randomly just blurt out colors"... to which I explained my Yellow, meant Hello............... She then replied-... Kelly, its crazy, because me and 2 of your co-workers were just sitting here trying to decide what color the shirts should be for Blakeys walk in April and you just blurted out Yellow... so Yellow it is !!...

I think that's pretty amazing... and yet another sweet sign of subtle guardianship from this sweet little Angel in our lives... so of course it made me do some digging a little-

I wanted to look up Blakey and Chases Birthstone- Blakeys birthday is Aug 24th and Chases bday is Aug 29th...........

Their birthstone is Peridot- which ranges in color but most usually is Yellowish Green-... it is believed that the forces of nature are alive in the Peridot and it is believed to represent vitality. It signifies strength both individual and within a relationship, as well as promise of new growth in the years ahead.

Colorful little signs... I like to think so...

Leaping for Faith...but landing in the same spot...

This was a big weekend for me.

Two of my closest and most spiritual friends from St Louis made the trek to KC and attended the Women of Faith Conference with me at the Sprint Center. It was a 2 day event, 2 very long wonderful days...packed with stories and music... full of tears and laughter and being amongst 6000 everyday women made me feel wonderful, and it also made me feel as though no matter how alone in a situation you may feel...you're not alone-... there is someone that is on that exact same path...struggling with the feelings you may be feeling, and missing someone just as you may be missing someone. Some struggles that others are going through..would make me feel lucky to have the one that I have and that we have to go through.

But I really expected to get a lot from this weekend...I think I was expecting to walk out of there being this brand new person, with this new found perspective. And I feel that I took a lot away with me.... but the point is... I don't have this new profound feeling of peace... Peace is what I went looking for... and I didn't walk away with that. I walked out of there missing him just as much as I missed him when I walked in there... feeling just as cheated as I felt when I walked in there, and I walked out of there still thinking here is a "better place"... and I walked out of there down on myself a little that I didn't find what I was looking for. Don't get me wrong...it was still a wonderful wonderful weekend- and very insightful.. and I am so happy that I went-...I loved every minute of it.
My friend had said to me- "Kelly, all of the things in your life, ..Do you honestly believe you have done it all on your own ...do you really think the things in your life have not been partly the works of God"... that question has really stuck in my head...because I do have to say- normally my answer would be whole heartedly- YES- I feel I have done the things in my life, myself...through struggles of MY own... and to that- She said " Kelly- you are giving yourself too much credit"... My answer has since changed a bit- and I do now realize that things absolutely do happen for a reason. There was a reason that this sweet little life was given to us... a reason that we were given a glimpse at how life would change when given something so unexpected and fearful , yet something we would and have begged to have back after taken away... therefore, Yes- I do believe in a higher power... and Yes, I am thankful every single day for all of the blessings in my life. I think I am just struggling with the Peace that should come with all of that-...and the short of it all is that- I am no more peaceful now, than I was before I went...and for that, I feel a bit like a failure.
Am I unreachable ? Will I be given up on ?

Everyday is a struggle... and I just really miss him.... but its not just him that I miss... I miss Chase being a big brother, and I miss him having someone to dote on at night and in the morning- I miss the baby sounds and smells, and I miss his sweet giggles and smiles...I think I have up a wall that I'm not ready to have torn down yet... but I don't think its made of the strongest stone...its just really really strong right now, and too strong for anything to plow through at the moment...... but I am certain that someday, something will help it to wither a bit and weaken...and on the other side will be that peace waiting to be discovered...and accepted. But for now- it stands firm....
I am working on this-... this thing called Faith... and I pray that someday, I will be a Woman of true true faith.

This day is special....

For today is the day of my beautiful husbands birth. 31 years ago today he was given to this world and what a gift he is . Never in my dreams would I have imagined that I would end up in the arms of a man like Dave... he is such a wonderful Daddy, our best friend and the true example to me of simplicity and direction. I am so grateful for him, my rock, my balance beam... you make me wanna be a better person babe... I love you so much and I thank you for when I finally really fell... you were there to catch me, in your arms... forever ... and day after day, you keep catching me... thank you babe, and Happy Birthday Sweets...
Today its been a year... I remember that morning, ...and I remember that feeling...the way the tears stung my cheeks as they rolled down, knowing that I couldn't fix this myself and I had to hand you over to the Surgeons. I couldn't go with you, even just to be there to hold your hand. I had to give you to them so they could fix your belly. I remember what I had on, and the other people we met waiting to hear news of their loved ones... I can still see the room. I remember the feelings of fear everytime the phone rang in that room, and remember that fear changing to relief as I heard them finally tell us- your surgery was done and your belly was fixed. Everything went perfect. We finally got to see you sweet boy..and your cheekies were pink and healthy as you were off in a comfy, pain free baby dreamland. Your belly was working... and your pain was over. We couldn't wait to ease your brothers fears when we picked him up from school to tell him everything was going to be ok now. Blakey would finally be out of pain and coming home soon.....


I wish I could go back to that day and hold your hand again.. touch your cheek, kiss your forehead, and tell you again... how strong you are and how proud we are of you ........even if just for a minute....


I am forever grateful for the miracles that this day has brought to my life... near....and far...