Are you home now ?

I miss you.
Did you know how much I loved you before you left ? Did you miss me, I know it had been a while since we had seen each other ?... Today is not a good day for me, .. it started out good, but my thoughts keep turning to you, and I feel like we had unfinished business... I was not ready for you to go yet, ..Were you ready ? Did you hurt ? I'm sorry I couldn't come in the room right away to say goodbye, but it didn't look like you..not the You that I remember, nor the you that I want to remember.... but I won't remember you that way. Can you see me now , ..are you here ? I feel like you are, and I told Dave that I can feel you all around me. I like that feeling, .. it reminds me of all the weekends we spent together.. all the stories about the olden days.. toasting in the New Year with Grape juice.. looking out in the crowd during games and always seeing your beautiful White hair and you watching me and cheering me on. I hope you are still watching, and I hope you never stop cheering.
Every good memory I have growing up, you are part of.
I miss you- ... I was not finished, and I was not ready for you to go-
I love you Nan-
In Memory of My Grandmother "Nana" Lucille Freiberg-
11/10/17- 5/11/07

Boy Crazy

I had all the signs, and I had resolved myself to the fact, that against what I could see for myself in the future, despite what I saw in my daydream out the back window, a yard full of boys, ... I was certain this time, I was having a girl ........ and I had accepted it... the cliche', .."As long as she's healthy" was all I could think-...... ok not really- ALL I could think was WHAT WILL I DO WITH A GIRL ??? But it was a good kind of what will I do- I was ready for the new challenge- the wiping from front to back, the not being sprayed from the front when caught with your guard down, ... Dave and I went for our Sonogram on Friday afternoon, .. and I could of stayed there for hours, I forgot how cool it is to watch that baby moving and opening and closing its hands, the heart beating...everything happening the way it should be , thank goodness- .. I told everyone we were going just to hear someone confirm to us that we are having a baby girl, .. because I already knew !
WRONG- after much probing and prodding and moving and shifting- the little "GUY part" made its appearance- and I was so so happy- and surprised and happy, ... and then surprised again-
I gotta say, .. it takes me back a little to when I was young- .. I lost my Dad at a very young age- But not just that, .. our whole family really was absent of Males- There were no Fathers, or brothers, or Grandfathers, no Uncles .. .. I mean really absent - they were all gone... Yes, my Mom remarried and has been for over 23 years, and he's a wonderful man to her- he treats her like a queen- ... but my whole life, .. I've missed that- I've wanted brothers, I've wanted to hear myself, or just someone say the word Dad, or Grandpa-... and I feel like being a mother to boys and having a husband like Dave is just a way of things coming back around, full circle- I not only get to be close to brothers, .. but I made them- I get to be with a Dad and see how one works every single day of my life , and I get to watch my kids talk about their Grandpas and Pawpaw and have them and hold them... this all makes me smile-
I love this life, and I am grateful for this gift-
I love you boys-
Dad, .. I know you would be proud and I miss the thought of you- xoxo

How can my heart split in two ??

In the winter of 02- a year after Dave and I married and 5 days before our anniversary, .. something wonderful happened-... Christmas Eve, we were set to take a carriage ride with the whole family through the park and to see Christmas lights, .. but something was different about this day.. I realized I was late .. and when I say late- we all know I don't mean late for being anywhere-....... yes, that kind of late-.. I remember rushing out, buying the tests , the one with 2 in the box... I took the first one, and quickly a positive showed- ... certainly it was wrong-... I took the 2nd, .. same quick affirmation. WOA, .. what do I do, .. suddenly I felt like a teenager again, ... I cant tell my parents, then they'll know I had sex !!! What will Dave say, .. will he be mad- , upset, scared, .. oh lord- the thoughts-.. But we don't want kids, .... we want boats, and lake houses, .. and money.... now what-................ that was 4 years ago this Christmas..
Christmas Eve 06-... we were getting ready to go out to celebrate our Anniversary, and the holidays with the family, .... and I thought to myself, .. I know I am late- but certainly not-.. maybe I should just check just in case.. Daves lil sis ran out, and came back with the tests- and it seems like before the pxx even hit the strip- BOOM- a quick plus sign appeared-.. and it seemed like time kind of stood still for a minute-... did I actually hear laughing, .. was that damn plus sign actually smiling and winking at me- ?? AGAIN ??? But how can this be ... we want boats, and a lake house, .. and Money-...
I don't know how my heart can possibly have room to love the way I already love, .. can my heart really split in two.. all I know now, is that this is what life is all about- I love that sweet little voice in the morning that says, "Mommy time wake up"... I love wondering who this new little creation is going to look like, ... if it will be a boy or a girl, ... will he have a brother or a sister ?? I love this part of life- and I know, .. these things are more precious than anything we could ever "Buy",,, so our boat is one that we play with in the bath,... our " lake house" is actually Diegos rescue center that we play with on the floor- and our Money is just that monopoly money we put in Chases wallet so he can get gas for his "motorcycle" that he rides through the kitchen.
We truly have everything we want- and we are very blessed !!! Can't wait for August 07 to meet the new little Green !!
xoxo
Have a great weekend !!
Kel

5 years ago today...

5 Years ago today, I married the Man of my dreams- I remember that day, like it was just yesterday- I was nervous, .. not scared nervous, just excited Nervous- If anyone would have told me I would end up with the right man, I would of never believed that. We were surrounded by all of our truest of true family and friends at the time. The part that stands out the most of that special day was that door opening in the Church. the moment when it was finally time for me to take that stroll down the aisle with my Mom and step father, that door opening was such a pivotal moment in my life-.... I still listen to the song I walked to , (Kenny G's "Forever in Love") I can remember the exact second that those doors opened ,.. it felt like that walk took forever because I just wanted to get to the front, to stand there next to Dave. I still feel that way today babe- I just want to be next to you forever, ..there are so so many doors that have opened up for us since that day Dave, .. but never a door like that one... that door opened to the walk to our life together Baby... and we've got a lot more walking to do - but it will always be together-
Thank you for these first 5 years Dave, you truly truly are a miracle in my life, you are my best friend, you are the best Daddy, and you are mine-
Thank you for giving me the key to that door Dave...- .
I love you !

Holiday time and giving THANKS...

Wow, it is already here- this holiday season has sprinted its way through the year and is here again- in full swing. I love the holiday season more and more every year. This year Chase is 3 and it is like it's his first Christmas, which in turn is like Dave and I's as well. Just the look on his face when we talk about Santa, and he is sure he can see him peeking in the windows making sure he is being a good boy. Its hard for me to remember Christmases past before Dave and Chase, its almost as if they were always there in some way waiting to be discovered. I almost forget who I was before being a wife and a mother, but I don't forget where I came from or lessons learned. This year I am giving thanks for all of the good things in my life, ...as well as any obstacles that we have had in our way and have learned from. I pray for health above all, happiness , and love, for all of our friends and family, And hope everyone allows in their life the Magic of the holidays, I truly know now that it's not about the presents or food, it's totally about family and friends and just being.
Thank you for giving me that Magic Dave, and for who you are to me and to our little sweetie- your such a great Father, provider and friend- and we are both so grateful to have you- I love you both so much I think my heart has stretch marks !
Happy Holidays All !

Thank you !

Maternal- YIKES what a word- and a word I never thought I would use to describe myself, ..but I am so there. Today my sweet little stinker of a son turns 3 !!!! I just can't believe it, where has this time gone ? Is that him 2 feet above the floor, or is that my heart actually walking around outside of my body ? He is why my heart pumps , he is how my soul feels, .. he makes all of the things in life that I have been afraid of, all just part of this world turning 'round. And he is such a gift to Dave and I ... and we are so Thankful-

Happy 3rd Birthday Sweetheart-